engagement

I knew very soon that I loved Marco and that I wanted to marry him. Mostly I just had a feeling of, "Uh-Oh, my life is never going to be the same again." We had discussed marriage many times, we imagined what our kids would look like, where we might live, and we both knew where the other stood - we wanted to always be together.
I looked forward to all the traditional events of an engagement, wedding, and marriage like any girl does; with tremendous excitement and giddiness. But the clash between fantasy and reality became more and more evident as our relationship neared the 3 year mark, and I couldn't help but feel guilty and even dumb for having expected life to be like in the movies.
What I got wasn’t picturesque, but I couldn’t have asked for anything more real. Marco is genuine and down-to-earth, as is our relationship. So it should have come as no surprise when he proposed to me in my living room, surrounded by laundry and while I was wearing yoga clothes.
Yet in that moment, the moment you dream of, the moment where you’re supposed to gaze into each other's eyes and kiss and whisper sweet nothings at sunset, I remember feeling alone and confused. Alone, I suppose, because for the first time in my life I was making a decision that I couldn't ask anyone else to help me make. Not only that, but it was a huge, huge decision, a "til death do us part" kind of decision. So, before I could answer him, I broke down crying. Not a cute, romantic cry, oh no. It was a gooey, snotty, gasping cry. My mind was whizzing a million miles per hour while everything was moving in slow motion. And there he was, smiling nervously up at me and waiting.
Of course I was thrilled, and of course I wanted to marry him, but this was it? It was happening now? Already? In my living room?
As I sniffed and wiped away tears, I realized I was crying and snot-ing all over the one person who would be there for me to cry and snot all over for the rest of my life. I felt wanted, I felt needed, and most of all, the ring was perfect.
We sat cuddled together on the floor as I recovered from my nausea and near-panic attack. And then we prayed together. I felt a calm and peace cover me and I knew I was making the right decision. We were bringing God into our marriage right from the start, and I believed that only me, Marco, and God, together could make this work. (Even though I was a total mess).

Utah Salt Flats

Lately

A few days ago my Russian friend, Vlas, asked me, “What are you doing now in life?” And though I knew he meant to say something along the lines of, “What are you up to?” the way he phrased it made me start to wonder. I am unemployed. I am endlessly job searching. I am basically floating. To some it sounds great, but after a few days of “ahhh, nothing to do,” it quickly becomes, “Arrrr! I have nothing to do!” It almost feels like the calm before a storm, and I can smell the rain coming. But for now I have to realize that this is a peaceful time. How much longer will I be able to sit up until 3am writing? Or watch four consecutive episodes of celebrity hot-bods followed by two episodes of Lost? I look forward to the minute Marco comes over everyday because I have been alone all day and even if he just tells me about his group partner who had something in their teeth, I love it.
Being bored can start to wear on you, so I have to be strategic about how I do things. Other wise, I might find myself vacuuming twice in one day like I did a few weeks ago. I have already made my way through 4 novels, 3 self-examination books, 2 world religions books, a wedding planning journal and a book about what to expect in my first year of marriage. I have also extensively researched the local Mormon culture, which even included a trip inside their holiest of holy sites, the Temple. I have found it all to be both enlightening and fascinating!
I have met the managers of every Starbucks, bookstore, café, bistro, and grocery store within a 5-10 mile radius of my home in search of an income. And a few days ago I had a wonderful conversation with Dobby, the cat who prowls around in Marco’s apartment building.
Of course there are days that I am bored and lonely, but I have to get out and find something to do. Otherwise Dobby the cat will mock me in his crabby British accent, “Haven’t you any life, my dear?”