Did he just say, "Guegenfloopt?"

I'm starting to think that German isn't actually a language. And they all are playing a game to see how long I'll go along with it. "Hey Yall, Let's say 'floodle putz' and see if she will believe that it's actually a word!"

Mantra

I’m feeling very Buddhist today. I’m here (in Utah), but not here(for much longer). I’m awake, but deep in thought. I am in this reality, but waiting for the next. I am nothingness. Ohmmmmm.

Marco and I don’t know what is next. When, where, how, for how long...I guess you could say we are just spinning in the Wheel of Samsara. We are at the beginning, waiting for the journey, waiting to be birthed into life. I am learning to see it as a happy place of newness and the unknown. The unknown is a good thing because it means adventure and that anything can happen. Whatever will happen, will happen. (Even if we have to move to Seattle.) Even if we are poor, or sick, or bored…things will always change. Nothing last forever, so just go with it….ohmmmmmm, again.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths followed by The Eight Fold Path, followed by a lot of explanation on how to follow that path. But they basically say that all suffering comes from clinging too tightly to material things, living too far to the extremes, not having a right state of thought or intention, and by being too dependent upon our personal desires. Suffering is life, life is temporary, and all things change. There is also a concept of Wu Wei, which is to let go and to free ones’ self. If you are stressed out, you are not Wu Wei. If you are cold or hot, your body is not Wu Wei. If your bank account is empty or overflowing, it is not Wu Wei. To truly “wu wei,” you must flow effortlessly like the river. Nothing matters, but all is important. To drink, but not to drown, etc, etc. So, let go of trying to have control and just flowwwwwww, ohmmmmmmm.

Buddhism and Taoism are two of my favorite religions/philosophies because I see it as very much like the life of Christ. Obviously that could cause a ”gassssp!!!” from many a Bible Toter, but its true. Christ was the embodiment of peace and love. He was a humble man. A hippie from Nazareth telling everybody to love each other and share all that you have. He even said to love people who hate you! But the Wu Wei of Jesus is really clear when he said stuff like, “if they hit you on the cheek, just turn to the other one,” or “sell everything you own and follow me.” (Material things don’t matter=The essence of Buddhism) Meanwhile, the Romans were building, and expanding, and developing, and exploring, and conquering. Then along comes Zen-Jesus saying, “Be like the child, be humble, live a simple life, be a fisherman of men, be a servant, wash yucky feet.” The Jews wanted the Messiah to tear it all down and beat up all the Romans and kick ‘em out and take over. But no. Jesus said, “to love is the greatest thing.” Buddhism is really good at the loving/compassionate stuff. In The Eight Fold Path it says not to kill anything, steal anything, harm anything, and not to even think harmful thoughts. Most Buddhist are vegetarians (comme moi) cause they don't want to harm animals.

Jesus lived simply, he loved deeply, and gave everything for the ones He loved. But he also said for us to do it too! To let it all go and just be. Be joyful, be loving, be peaceful, be kind, be gentle, be patient and wu wei like the river. Ohmmmmmm.

So I guess that's why I’m feeling Buddhisty. Because I know everything will work out. The unknown is only unknown to me, but God knows. Whatever happens will happen…ohmmmm.

engagement

I knew very soon that I loved Marco and that I wanted to marry him. Mostly I just had a feeling of, "Uh-Oh, my life is never going to be the same again." We had discussed marriage many times, we imagined what our kids would look like, where we might live, and we both knew where the other stood - we wanted to always be together.
I looked forward to all the traditional events of an engagement, wedding, and marriage like any girl does; with tremendous excitement and giddiness. But the clash between fantasy and reality became more and more evident as our relationship neared the 3 year mark, and I couldn't help but feel guilty and even dumb for having expected life to be like in the movies.
What I got wasn’t picturesque, but I couldn’t have asked for anything more real. Marco is genuine and down-to-earth, as is our relationship. So it should have come as no surprise when he proposed to me in my living room, surrounded by laundry and while I was wearing yoga clothes.
Yet in that moment, the moment you dream of, the moment where you’re supposed to gaze into each other's eyes and kiss and whisper sweet nothings at sunset, I remember feeling alone and confused. Alone, I suppose, because for the first time in my life I was making a decision that I couldn't ask anyone else to help me make. Not only that, but it was a huge, huge decision, a "til death do us part" kind of decision. So, before I could answer him, I broke down crying. Not a cute, romantic cry, oh no. It was a gooey, snotty, gasping cry. My mind was whizzing a million miles per hour while everything was moving in slow motion. And there he was, smiling nervously up at me and waiting.
Of course I was thrilled, and of course I wanted to marry him, but this was it? It was happening now? Already? In my living room?
As I sniffed and wiped away tears, I realized I was crying and snot-ing all over the one person who would be there for me to cry and snot all over for the rest of my life. I felt wanted, I felt needed, and most of all, the ring was perfect.
We sat cuddled together on the floor as I recovered from my nausea and near-panic attack. And then we prayed together. I felt a calm and peace cover me and I knew I was making the right decision. We were bringing God into our marriage right from the start, and I believed that only me, Marco, and God, together could make this work. (Even though I was a total mess).

Utah Salt Flats

Lately

A few days ago my Russian friend, Vlas, asked me, “What are you doing now in life?” And though I knew he meant to say something along the lines of, “What are you up to?” the way he phrased it made me start to wonder. I am unemployed. I am endlessly job searching. I am basically floating. To some it sounds great, but after a few days of “ahhh, nothing to do,” it quickly becomes, “Arrrr! I have nothing to do!” It almost feels like the calm before a storm, and I can smell the rain coming. But for now I have to realize that this is a peaceful time. How much longer will I be able to sit up until 3am writing? Or watch four consecutive episodes of celebrity hot-bods followed by two episodes of Lost? I look forward to the minute Marco comes over everyday because I have been alone all day and even if he just tells me about his group partner who had something in their teeth, I love it.
Being bored can start to wear on you, so I have to be strategic about how I do things. Other wise, I might find myself vacuuming twice in one day like I did a few weeks ago. I have already made my way through 4 novels, 3 self-examination books, 2 world religions books, a wedding planning journal and a book about what to expect in my first year of marriage. I have also extensively researched the local Mormon culture, which even included a trip inside their holiest of holy sites, the Temple. I have found it all to be both enlightening and fascinating!
I have met the managers of every Starbucks, bookstore, café, bistro, and grocery store within a 5-10 mile radius of my home in search of an income. And a few days ago I had a wonderful conversation with Dobby, the cat who prowls around in Marco’s apartment building.
Of course there are days that I am bored and lonely, but I have to get out and find something to do. Otherwise Dobby the cat will mock me in his crabby British accent, “Haven’t you any life, my dear?”

Painting

My life is beginning to resemble a beautiful painting. Each brush stroke is a moment, a walk in the evening, a day in the city, a kiss, a fight. Individually they are all just strokes of one color or another, but together they are my life, and its slowly becoming a masterpiece.
Stroke after stroke of the brush just makes my life more complex and more wonderful. And there are days like today, just an average boring day that I step back and look at the big picture and think "that's really something, something special and amazing. The artist bringing all these colors together is really making something beautiful." I am thankful for all the colors of adventure and vibrancy brushed all through my life, but also for the shadows and splotches, because it all blends and fades into this one beautiful painting.