Did he just say, "Guegenfloopt?"

I'm starting to think that German isn't actually a language. And they all are playing a game to see how long I'll go along with it. "Hey Yall, Let's say 'floodle putz' and see if she will believe that it's actually a word!"

Mantra

I’m feeling very Buddhist today. I’m here (in Utah), but not here(for much longer). I’m awake, but deep in thought. I am in this reality, but waiting for the next. I am nothingness. Ohmmmmm.

Marco and I don’t know what is next. When, where, how, for how long...I guess you could say we are just spinning in the Wheel of Samsara. We are at the beginning, waiting for the journey, waiting to be birthed into life. I am learning to see it as a happy place of newness and the unknown. The unknown is a good thing because it means adventure and that anything can happen. Whatever will happen, will happen. (Even if we have to move to Seattle.) Even if we are poor, or sick, or bored…things will always change. Nothing last forever, so just go with it….ohmmmmmm, again.

In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths followed by The Eight Fold Path, followed by a lot of explanation on how to follow that path. But they basically say that all suffering comes from clinging too tightly to material things, living too far to the extremes, not having a right state of thought or intention, and by being too dependent upon our personal desires. Suffering is life, life is temporary, and all things change. There is also a concept of Wu Wei, which is to let go and to free ones’ self. If you are stressed out, you are not Wu Wei. If you are cold or hot, your body is not Wu Wei. If your bank account is empty or overflowing, it is not Wu Wei. To truly “wu wei,” you must flow effortlessly like the river. Nothing matters, but all is important. To drink, but not to drown, etc, etc. So, let go of trying to have control and just flowwwwwww, ohmmmmmmm.

Buddhism and Taoism are two of my favorite religions/philosophies because I see it as very much like the life of Christ. Obviously that could cause a ”gassssp!!!” from many a Bible Toter, but its true. Christ was the embodiment of peace and love. He was a humble man. A hippie from Nazareth telling everybody to love each other and share all that you have. He even said to love people who hate you! But the Wu Wei of Jesus is really clear when he said stuff like, “if they hit you on the cheek, just turn to the other one,” or “sell everything you own and follow me.” (Material things don’t matter=The essence of Buddhism) Meanwhile, the Romans were building, and expanding, and developing, and exploring, and conquering. Then along comes Zen-Jesus saying, “Be like the child, be humble, live a simple life, be a fisherman of men, be a servant, wash yucky feet.” The Jews wanted the Messiah to tear it all down and beat up all the Romans and kick ‘em out and take over. But no. Jesus said, “to love is the greatest thing.” Buddhism is really good at the loving/compassionate stuff. In The Eight Fold Path it says not to kill anything, steal anything, harm anything, and not to even think harmful thoughts. Most Buddhist are vegetarians (comme moi) cause they don't want to harm animals.

Jesus lived simply, he loved deeply, and gave everything for the ones He loved. But he also said for us to do it too! To let it all go and just be. Be joyful, be loving, be peaceful, be kind, be gentle, be patient and wu wei like the river. Ohmmmmmm.

So I guess that's why I’m feeling Buddhisty. Because I know everything will work out. The unknown is only unknown to me, but God knows. Whatever happens will happen…ohmmmm.

engagement

I knew very soon that I loved Marco and that I wanted to marry him. Mostly I just had a feeling of, "Uh-Oh, my life is never going to be the same again." We had discussed marriage many times, we imagined what our kids would look like, where we might live, and we both knew where the other stood - we wanted to always be together.
I looked forward to all the traditional events of an engagement, wedding, and marriage like any girl does; with tremendous excitement and giddiness. But the clash between fantasy and reality became more and more evident as our relationship neared the 3 year mark, and I couldn't help but feel guilty and even dumb for having expected life to be like in the movies.
What I got wasn’t picturesque, but I couldn’t have asked for anything more real. Marco is genuine and down-to-earth, as is our relationship. So it should have come as no surprise when he proposed to me in my living room, surrounded by laundry and while I was wearing yoga clothes.
Yet in that moment, the moment you dream of, the moment where you’re supposed to gaze into each other's eyes and kiss and whisper sweet nothings at sunset, I remember feeling alone and confused. Alone, I suppose, because for the first time in my life I was making a decision that I couldn't ask anyone else to help me make. Not only that, but it was a huge, huge decision, a "til death do us part" kind of decision. So, before I could answer him, I broke down crying. Not a cute, romantic cry, oh no. It was a gooey, snotty, gasping cry. My mind was whizzing a million miles per hour while everything was moving in slow motion. And there he was, smiling nervously up at me and waiting.
Of course I was thrilled, and of course I wanted to marry him, but this was it? It was happening now? Already? In my living room?
As I sniffed and wiped away tears, I realized I was crying and snot-ing all over the one person who would be there for me to cry and snot all over for the rest of my life. I felt wanted, I felt needed, and most of all, the ring was perfect.
We sat cuddled together on the floor as I recovered from my nausea and near-panic attack. And then we prayed together. I felt a calm and peace cover me and I knew I was making the right decision. We were bringing God into our marriage right from the start, and I believed that only me, Marco, and God, together could make this work. (Even though I was a total mess).

Utah Salt Flats

Lately

A few days ago my Russian friend, Vlas, asked me, “What are you doing now in life?” And though I knew he meant to say something along the lines of, “What are you up to?” the way he phrased it made me start to wonder. I am unemployed. I am endlessly job searching. I am basically floating. To some it sounds great, but after a few days of “ahhh, nothing to do,” it quickly becomes, “Arrrr! I have nothing to do!” It almost feels like the calm before a storm, and I can smell the rain coming. But for now I have to realize that this is a peaceful time. How much longer will I be able to sit up until 3am writing? Or watch four consecutive episodes of celebrity hot-bods followed by two episodes of Lost? I look forward to the minute Marco comes over everyday because I have been alone all day and even if he just tells me about his group partner who had something in their teeth, I love it.
Being bored can start to wear on you, so I have to be strategic about how I do things. Other wise, I might find myself vacuuming twice in one day like I did a few weeks ago. I have already made my way through 4 novels, 3 self-examination books, 2 world religions books, a wedding planning journal and a book about what to expect in my first year of marriage. I have also extensively researched the local Mormon culture, which even included a trip inside their holiest of holy sites, the Temple. I have found it all to be both enlightening and fascinating!
I have met the managers of every Starbucks, bookstore, café, bistro, and grocery store within a 5-10 mile radius of my home in search of an income. And a few days ago I had a wonderful conversation with Dobby, the cat who prowls around in Marco’s apartment building.
Of course there are days that I am bored and lonely, but I have to get out and find something to do. Otherwise Dobby the cat will mock me in his crabby British accent, “Haven’t you any life, my dear?”

Painting

My life is beginning to resemble a beautiful painting. Each brush stroke is a moment, a walk in the evening, a day in the city, a kiss, a fight. Individually they are all just strokes of one color or another, but together they are my life, and its slowly becoming a masterpiece.
Stroke after stroke of the brush just makes my life more complex and more wonderful. And there are days like today, just an average boring day that I step back and look at the big picture and think "that's really something, something special and amazing. The artist bringing all these colors together is really making something beautiful." I am thankful for all the colors of adventure and vibrancy brushed all through my life, but also for the shadows and splotches, because it all blends and fades into this one beautiful painting.

WATER

What if you went around the world and asked kids from every level of society and from every continent in the world, "What does water smell like?" Some kids, like here in America, would say "that's silly, water doesn't have a smell." Because we have clean, clear, running water. Or kids in Switzerland would say "its smells like the mountains or nature" because even their tap water is like fresh, bottled, springwater. But maybe a little girl in Senegal would say "it smells like chemicals or gasoline," because she walks everyday to the river and carries water back in an old jug she found on the road. Or a little boy in India might say, "It smells like garbage and waste," because the water is so contaminated and there are no dumping restrictions. Or kids in the Favelas of Brasil would say "It smells like drainage," because they have streams running through their make-shift villages that are the drainage ditches from the city.
When I was in India, I saw poverty like you can't imagine until you are there. Beggars aren't asking for money - they are asking for water. "Tanda Pani, Dee Dee? Tanda Pani?" in Hindi means "Cold Water, Auntie, Cold water?" I will never forget all the precious Hindi babies surrounding me in the street begging, actually BEGGING for a drink when they saw me take out my water bottle from my bag. They stood all around me with their mouths open and their little hands cupped for me to pour it into their mouths. Little mouths full of sores, missing teeth, rotting teeth, cracked lips. I felt helpless after I had poured the last drop into their tiny mouths, but those who did get a sip were so greatful. And my heart broke into a thousand pieces.
Today I am thankful for water. When you take a drink today, what does it smell like?

today

I started on Saturday working for DKNY and i really like it! The dressers and sellers and designers are so nice! We get delicious catered breakfast and lunch everyday...mmm. But the days are long; i worked for 12 hours today in 5 inch heels! ouchie! BUt the clothes are amazing and the clients are from all over the place: Turkey, Russia, South Africa, all over Europe. I LOVE it. I'm just really tired and I can't seem to beat this sniffly cold.

I still don't have a cell phone, or an alarm clock, though. (Marco calls my apartment to wake me up in the mornings.
Everything is goin' gooood.

smells when i was little...

Dad: ...like blue vinyl seats heated in the sun, sweat and lawnmower dust, sunscreen and baseball-glove leather, shaving cream and Dow's chemicals and car oil. But on Sundays he smelled like coffee breath, cologne and ironing starch.
Mom: ...like clorox and the sweet perfume that came in the little bottle with the dove on top, and like alcohol swabs and hairspray, black pepper, and basil. Like lotion and laundry detergent and plastic on her stethescope that pokes into you when she hugs you.

Beach Days:

Beach Days:
Running across the sand. The searing powder stretches out before me. Surely I am bleeding by now. I must reach the cool waves and quench this pain.
"Stop!" She yells. "Sunscreen!"
How can I stop? I can't go back, I'll lose my feet! I see the sea and feel this baking pain. From one foot to the other each sizzling in the sand. I imagine turning back on bloody nubs, my feet left behind like that broken bottle or that dead crab.
"Sunscreen!" She calls again.
I think I will die. The cool waves lapping, children laughing, my feet burning.
She's threatening now.
I know I'll lose my snow cone later. oh, how she tortures!

Owa! Its in my eyes! The stinging cream runny on my sweaty forehead. She slathers the coconut-y goo in my ears and down my neck. I love the smell of it. It smells like her and swimming lessons and picnics. It smells like heat and childhood.
"Aaand done."
Those magic words, the shot from the gate. Across the fiery, gravely beast and into the salty sea. Splashing, jumping, falling, waves knocking be to and fro. The cool water stings in every cut and shrivels my lips.
In the car going home I am a salty prune with sand in every crevice. Sitting on a towel, the radio humming me to sleep. She carries me and her voice is just a mummer.
Just another long summer day.

Ah, Love.

Love feels like every dream I've had, or every childhood ambition could easily happen. It makes me feel like I will be a famous supermodel, and own a Tea Shop and a health food store, and teach yoga and ESL, and be a dancer on Broadway and a missionary in Africa while Marco goes to the Olympics and is an International business man, and a Pro Skateboarder, and we both are Ambassadors to foreign countries on the weekends! Because Love makes everything seem possible. But at the same time, Love also feels like, "well, even if all those things don't happen, thats okay too cause we can just stay home and watch a movie and play board games!" Thats the best part! If it all happens, or if none of it happens, I'll still be just as happy as ever, because we will still be together and still have love.
Of all the places I can dream of going, the best of anyplace I can imagine is right where I am, as long we are together.
It isn't foolishness, or maybe it is, but its happiness and glee. Its memories, and secret treasures and sunsets and swim meets. Its tears in an Airport. A silly fight over Chinese food. A box of notes and ticket stubs. Its a train trip to Lucerne, Lausanne, and a car ride to Louisiana. Its the smell of Chlorine and the smell of espresso. Its Marco -heart- Rachel. Its Love. Ah, Love.

A person's a person no matter how small...

I try to remind myself that, "People are just people and every person is a person."
I am learning very quickly that you cannot expect much from people. We are all just human, after all. We lie, we cheat, we are selfish and fake, we want our way. I always knew it to be true, but until recently I had never been so surrounded by this fact - staring it in the face, living in the same house with it, feeling it pressing in on me.
But I suppose this is a lesson I had to learn eventually. And what is worse, is that it is something I must deal with in my own actions. Doing what is right and not what is easy. And is it okay to tell a lie if it will protect someone else or keep them from getting hurt? When you say nothing, is it the same as lying? Lovers cheating, friends quitting on friendship, apathy, loneliness, pain. Oh how my heart hurts for us all. We finally make it out of the wilderness, but then we get selfish. We finally see what is right and good but we are too impatient and lazy to work for that blessing. Oh, we people, we need a redeemer.
But "every person is a person." I know it is dangerous and I know it is naive but isn't it what we would want for ourselves? To be trusted from the beginning until proven to be untrustworthy? To be loved until proven to be unlovable? We are human. We each have had a mother who loved us. We all have felt a tear on our cheek. Wanted water to drink in the heat.
Who are we to say "no" to that homeless man who wants some spare change? Who are we to say she is a bitch because of her mistakes? Who are we to be free when there is war far away?
"While we were yet sinners Christ died for us," right? So why don't we live this way. As you have been forgiven, go and forgive. Freely you have received, freely give.
I can't imagine this world without love. The Beatles sang it, Shakespeare wrote it, Mother Theresa gave it.
When will we begin to live our lives the way we should and not the way we want?

First Thoughts

I never knew there were so many different shades of Khaki until I came to Utah.

For you cause my lamp to be lit and to shine; the Lord my God illuminates my darkness. Ps 18:23

God works through our weakness so that the greatness and power in our lives will be shown to be from him and not from ourselves.God uses ordinary people with flaws and "cracks in our clay pots" (we are earthen vessels) so that people will know that it is God working in us if we are doing good. If people knew us before, they know there's a difference after we have felt the love of Jesus. We are new creatures when we allow his light to shine through our weakness.

Let not those who wait and hope for you, O Lord, be put to shame because of me; let not those who seek and inquire for You be brought to confusion or dishonor through me, O God of Israel. Ps 69:6

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a life that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws and to make them be perfect, like a pot without cracks. But if a light is placed inside a flawless pot, no one is able to see the light inside it. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light. God chooses to shine his light through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when our pots let the light of Jesus shine through. Isn't it better to be a glory-filled cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel?

Two Dreams

I can wake up and go for a walk barefoot in the sand. I won’t need an air conditioner or a heater for my house and the windows will be open all the time and no carpet in the house. I can wear a sarong and a bikini everyday, or sun dress and flip flops for when I have to look nice. My hammock on the porch will always be occupied by family, friends, or neighbors, and the beads on the doorway will always be klinking. Sunscreen will be my only moisturizer mixed with the humidity, and my hair can be its natural color. I can hear the wind chimes and smell the salt. I will only ever complain that it’s too hot and never that it’s too cold, never. We will walk through the city for groceries and visiting friends, and at night go to the club, Rustico, for music and dancing and chill. We’ll ride our bikes and build sand castles and feed the poor and sing too loud when we’re cooking. Make Sun Tea like my mom taught me, and plant tomatoes and squash and potatoes in the yard. Always there will be music, always talking and always people coming and going. …yoga and swimming and dancing… My mom used to buy Little Caesar’s Pizza and after mine and my brother’s swimming lessons we would meet my dad on the beach for a picnic. I’ll do that again, too; for my babies. And I’ll keep meat tenderizer close for jellyfish stings. My babies can be baptized in the ocean and on Easter we’ll have a sunrise service and after that we’ll all have a big barbque with beach volleyball and everyone together laughing and happy and sweaty.

The other night I had dream of two big picnic tables on a beach. One table had my whole family, my parents my brother, Charla, my friend Rachel and some other family friends. The other table had Marco’s parents, his sister Valentina, their neighbors Adrian and Reggie, some of Marco’s aunts and uncles, and Marco’s friends Sascha and Nathi. On both sides of the table were two BBQ pits. On one my dad was cooking and on the other was Marco’s dad. Walking all around the table and preparing the places were me and Marco, Vicente, Natalia, Alfonso Catalina, and Val. When it was time to eat, me and Marco pushed the two tables together and we put the food from both of the BBQ’s on one big plate for everyone to have. Then we all sat together.


I think these dreams are partly because of the candle that Charla bought me…..it smells EXACTLY like the beach!!!! Its amazing! So at night I drift over the waves…and I miss the beach.

my favorite song from Children of Eden

In whatever time we have
For as long as we are living
We can face whatever comes
If we face it now as one
I could make it on my own
But let me know that I don't have to
No one really wants to be alone
In whatever we time have

If at times we are afraid
With so little to believe in
It's alright to be afraid
I will hold you in the dark
All we know for sure is this
Though the world could end tommorow
You and I will be together
In whatever time

There are times I've been afraid
In a world that's so uncertain
Then I feel your hand in mine
And there's courage in my heart

White House Interns/Bill Clinton at OBU

The Christianity of today has changed drastically from that what Matthew wrote of Jesus' sermon on the mount. We are to love others, forgive others, serve others. Are we following Jesus' example or just politicians?
I get really upset when I hear christians using the analogy that we are "at war." It isnt true, it isnt. We are not in a battle of us versus them. We are all people. If we focus so much on the differences, it causes separation between people. Ive seen it all around me.
Jesus lived a life befriending the friendless; prostitutes, lepers, etc. He spread a message of peace and love and if we would follow him there would be life, solutions.( Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and selfcontrol. )
Here is another thing. Where is the line between living by the word/scripture and living by the spirit? To either EXTREEM it gets pretty crazy. There are crazy pentecostle folks who are all about the spirit and emotion and then crazy baptists who think if you are claping your hands, then your getting too rowdy. I know people on both extreemes, and I've been in churches in both extreems. Here is an exaample: I once was in a church and during a song a woman came over to me and asked me if I wanted to be prayed over. Sure, i said. She got some other people around me and they all laid their hands on me and pushed me to the ground and they all began to chant. They kept telling me to open my mouth and say the words i felt, but i didnt feel anything. The the woman asked me, "Do you REALLY believe in Jesus? Do you? Because if you really believed in God, you would be able to speak in tongues. " I told her i did. And she said, then I must have demons on me preventing the spirit from giving me power. THIS is CRAZY! I DO believe in the gift of tongues, but I dont think it works this way. I DO believe in the Holy Spirit, but i dont believe it ever leaves you. I dont think it comes and goes and I dont think it is a force we should play with like in politics. It has become a tool of manipulation.
Other example: I went to a church where the average people were about 65 years old. Everyone stood up and read some words and sit back down, Then stand up again and read some words. Then they all prayed out loud the same prayer. Nobody talks, nobody smiles. Just a tradition. If someone was too loud, other people look at them with this pissy face. When its over you just go home, alone.
Another example: I once had a science teacher who didn't own a TV. She had tons of kids, like 12, and she MADE all of their clothes herself cause the clothes in the stores are "not godly". She homeschooled all her kids, She never cut her hair or wore makeup or any of her daughters and they all sang together in the car and always seemed WAY too happy.
Last one: I know people who believe or say they believe because they "just want to make sure." They don't care about anything real, they have no passion or desire to know truth or to question life and human existance, its a superficial faith "just in case."


I am not like any of these, but I do believe in God. I have faith and hope for a future and I believe the Bible. I dont think there is anything extra, like the book of mormon or the Koran, and i dont think anything was left out, like scrolls or the book of Thomas.
I have alot of reasons for believing in God and for believing it is true.
I also believe in freedom. I have a freedom to love, and I also have freedom to hurt someone. Potential to give a little and the freedom to take a little. Love a great deal or hurt a great deal and so on. This is the concept of "Free Will." Something I think all humans have. We have the ability to slay millions of people in war, BUT we have the potential to liberate and protect millions. Thats why there is good and bad in the world, free will.
If this short life is all there is, if death was the end of existance, then perhaps we might risk the legitimate argue that we were not worth ever being created, at least not the ones who live their whole lives in poverty and pain. "Why would God have created them just to live a life of pain?" But if what i believe is true, then there is love in the end. These lives are here but there is life after. If there is no heaven then all the crys of pain will eternally go unanswered. Life would just be tragic for all of us. Life is a bitch and then you die.
But there is something in the depth of my soul which refuses to believe that. There is something in me, a hope for a future.

I'm not a radical for either side of "Christianity." I just believe in life and in love. I pray and so many times my prayers are answered. I've been blessed in every part of my life and God has shown me so much of life and what life can be. Life is truly beautiful.

"For I know the plans i have for you' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Inter-gender communication class today:

-In male/female communication, men think independently and women think collectively.
-A man should be the king of the castle, but always TELL the queen how important she is, otherwise she's gonna go find another kingdom.
-Each partner must have their own sense of self-worth or else they are in danger of only find ing worth from the other's opinion.
-Women are motivated and pleased when they feel cherished and treasured, men feel motivated and pleased when they are needed and important.
-Communication allows you to serve others.
- When a girl has a problem, she wants understanding from the boy, but the boy's instinct is to give a solution. Solutions are emotion-less, though they may fix the problem perfectly and promptly, BUT more than FIXing the girl wants understanding a.k.a. sympathy.
-Women see life as a community, they strive to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation. Men value independence and status. However, all humans need both intimacy and independence, we just tend to focus on different things.


I love my classes this semester!

"USA...the first re-mix" or "USA mixin' it up since 1776."

E Pluribus unum, the Latin phrase that appears on each U.S. coin, it means, "out of many, one." This motto symbolizes not only our national political union, but mostly the idea that the varied experiances of immigrants from around the world come together in America to form a new way of life while retaining individual characteristics.